Poor Harry gets the talk! more than once!
by XspriteyX
Summary: Harry's friends, family, and enemies decided they shood enlighten him on the facts of life! Not sure why i wrote this, will hopefully be a laugh review and let me know what you think!


It was the summer of Harry's third year, he'd been in contact with Sirius threw owl letter's for a while now, and one that surprised as well as thrilled him came that fateful day, _"Prongslet floo over to Twelve Grimwauld Place, I have something of great importance to talk to you about and it'd best be done in person ~Snuffles" Shrugging_ Harry went into the Dursley's fireplace that had been connected to the floo network, his Aunt and Uncle were out with Dudley so in a clear voice he yelled out "TWELVE GRIMWAULD PLACE!" Stumbling upon exit he was immediately swept into a hug by his godfather "Harry!" Chuckling Harry pulled back "Hey Sirius! So what did you want to talk about?" At this Sirius grinned broadly and swung an arm over Harry's shoulder "Well Harry you're at an age now when I think you should know the facts of life, ya see when a guy meets a gorgeous girl....."

Harry sat there looking slightly green as Sirius finished "-And that's why you're first time shouldn't be in a hotel with you're two best mates sharing a room with you to mess with contraceptive charms OK?" Harry opened and closed his mouth, nothing but a pitiful squeak coming out. Sirius slapped his back, "That's the spirit!" CRASH! Sirius exited the room "Wait here whilst I see what's happening with Buckbeak for a minute." Harry slowly gathered his thoughts into a semi-collective order when Kreacher came in "AH Half-blood filth pollution! Must inform this filth of mating to prevent breeding, mustn't disappoint mistress." Before Harry could blink he was bound and gag as Kreacher gave him the talk again. "-That is why you mustn't interface with a freed servant! You may go!"

Kreacher walked off into the glooms of the house , as Harry dazedly wandered into a room, right past Sirius mum's portrait. "Half-blood filth! Stand boy while I tell you how to refrain from reproducing!" Harry paled "But I-" She glared "SIT!" He sat abruptly listening to the third time in the same day as she explained the facts of life. "-That is why you shouldn't marry anyone outside the family, as the the mixture of non-incessed could could cause sanity."

Well that's what he thought she said it was actually "-Don't marry anyone outside pure blood families!" Eh same thing. Sirius came down covered in scratchers muttering to himself "Ruddy birds a menace, an for the last time SHUT UP YOU OLD HAG!" He drew the curtain across the painting sending worried looks at his twitching godson, Sirius looked at the time "Harry you better get back before you're relatives notice you're disappearance. It was good to see you kiddo." Harry walked zombie like to the floo network saying "4 Privet drive." Some what zombie like. He barely finished clearing the soot when his uncle yanked him into the hall, "Listen boy I don't want you breeding more of your kind, so listen hear-" Harry groaned but listened to his uncle anyway. By the time they where done Vernon headed to bed leaving a mentally exhausted Harry on the coach, Petunia waltzed in video tape ii hand sticking it in the VCR "Boy you watch this start to finish or else!"

Harry looked at the title, and gasped "Good lord it's a sex ed video why me?!" He finished the video and red some owl letters hoping to find some relief, Hermoine's mail read _"Hey Harry! How are you? I know I should have done this in person but hey this way's less awkward, I've charmed the letter so you have to read no matter what so I'll get to the point, when a guy and girl are really attracted to each other-" _Harry could believe this was happening, why was everyone doing this to him? Nonetheless he had to read, by the time he was done he eagerly ripped open Ron's letter for a distraction _"Hey mate, Dad says to floo over wants to talk to us about something later! ~ Ron" _

Harry eyed the letter suspiciously, but flooed to the burrow anyway, Arthur Weasley dragged him and Ron into a room speaking in a normal tone "Boy's you're at an age now when-" Harry couldn't believe his crappy luck, escaping as soon as possible he bumped into Molly Weasley who gripped his shoulders "Harry dear! I know you may not know this but there are contraceptive charms you can learn for-" Harry crawled upstairs feeling miserable, _"Eight... Ha eight friggin sex talks in one day... Well Arthur's wasn't too bad, then again he has done this like five times before! And has plentival experience... How can this get any worse?" _Fred and George popped up "Ah ha if it-" "-Isn't Mr Potter! Just-" "-In time for the Weasley twins-" "-One on one sex talk- "-now class is in session!" Before Harry could decline he was dragged in and given the talk again,

_"Well"_ he thought bitterly afterwards _"At least I have no other people who would try to give me the talk." _When he had been misinformed that Bill and Charlie were visiting they decided to take it on themselves to give him a rather... ah.... interesting puppet show. Harry all ran to get to the floo network, but Percy stood in his way "Ah Harry I think I should tell you about sex, you see-" Harry leapt for joy when he got to Hogwart's the next day.

No more people to grab him to give him the talk!

WOOHOO!

First stop Hagrid's! Big mistake, Hagrid decided to give him a talk on every species mating ritual that he knew of, next Dobby, the little house elf wanted to inform Master Harry Potter sir on how to produce more little Potter's, Harry nearly fainted....

Next came Prof's McGonagle, Flitwick, Binns, Sprout, Hooch, Pince, Snape (Very Nearly cried at that one considering Snape was telling him the uses of various potions to prevent any more of the Potter breed) Dumbledore, (Who somehow brought lemon drops into it.) Remus had also taken it on himself to tell Harry as he think Sirius hadn't done an adequate job, Madame Pomfrey seen fit to lecture him whilst he recovered from a Quidditch injury to the arm. Fawkes (It was more a series of Squawks) Filch, (That was wrong in SO many ways!O

The sorting hat, Nearly headless Nick, Luna (as she wanted his opinion of frimsey's as they were apparently drawn to mating), the merfolk who dragged him under the lake with giant squid, even Neville thought he should tell Harry how it works. At the end of the week Harry was fed up, grumpy, so he marched up to the teachers table and yelled to the students in the great hall "DOES ANYONE ELSE WANT TO GIVE ME 'THE TALK'! HUH HUH!!" The students starred at him, Ginny Weasley entered a moment later and grinned "Ah Harry there you are I was wondering if-" Harry didn't let her finish and instead dragged her to the room of requirement.

(Censored scene, oh so very hard to guess what they're doing. Ho hum diddle le dee.)

Three months later:

Harry was laying happily across his godfathers sofa humming to himself, no one had tried to speak of 'that' subject since his outburst and he was getting to hang out with Sirius for a bit BONUS!

Ginny entered the house via-floo and twiddled her fingers nervously "Um Harry, I have something you and Sirius will want to know." Sirius entered and motioned her to continue, "I'm pregnant." Harry and Sirius's jaws dropped, and Sirius starred at Harry who looked horrified and rattled off

"30 times... I had the talk from my godfather, relatives, house elves, paintings, ghosts, teachers, a miserable old caretaker who I'm positive is TOO close to his cat, a medi witch, friends, friends parents, friends siblings, a puppet show, sex-ed video tape, muggles, wizards, a librarian, a half giant, a werewolf, a crazy headmaster, his phoenix, a sorting hat, mer folk, a giant squid AND Neville, yet I FORGOT THE CONTACEPTIVE CHARM!"

Sirius raised an eye brow "How could you forget a simple word like _Ceptivo?"_ Harry glared at him "_YOU _said it was _Ceptiv-A! _And I started tuning out the other talks!" Sirius promptly burst out laughing "Woops my bad". Harry wailed "Why Ginny! If you hadn't tried to talk to me about the birds and bee's I wouldn't have taken you!" Ginny laughed slightly "Uh actually I was gonna ask if you wanted you're transfiguration book back." Harry groaned, "That's it if it's a boy we're calling him James Sirius." Sirius stopped laughing and perked up "Ooo After me and prongsie! Cwl!" Harry looked evil "Only cuz I'm gonna murder the original!"


End file.
